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shoots_kneecaps441. Do/Did you want to get married?
Love -- real love -- just doesn't happen to people like me. Once someone gets to see what's inside, they don't want to spend their whole life tied to that. All the lies, all the secrecy, the never being able to be there for the important things and not even being able to honestly say why. Who would ever want that?
And that's just the everyday part of it. There are the less... pleasant things one has to do -- what person would want to be with someone who could do those things?
At one point, before I took that next step over the line, I really did want to marry someone. I loved her enough to put in my resignation from the military to be with her.
And then the Towers came down.
I cancelled my terminal leave and went back, and after that I fell down the rabbit hole. I... let her go so she could find someone better -- someone good. I had no way of knowing she'd end up with someone just as bad -- with someone who would hurt her and eventually kill her...
Just more paving on my road to Hell.
Now -- well, it's different. I do have someone who knows all my dark secrets, and though I'm sure he doesn't really understand how I could do those things, he knows there were reasons. A number of them turned out to be lies, but I didn't know that at the time.
He also knows the job -- I don't have to feel guilty about missing something and being unable to explain why. And unlike the last person I was close to, who I now know was lying through his teeth to me, I know his motives are good and honest.
I know how I feel -- and it kind of scares me to think about it...
I just wish I knew how he feels...
---------------
Muse: John Reese
Fandom: Person of Interest
Word count: 313 per WordPerfect
Crossposted to LJ at "theatrical_muse"
Love -- real love -- just doesn't happen to people like me. Once someone gets to see what's inside, they don't want to spend their whole life tied to that. All the lies, all the secrecy, the never being able to be there for the important things and not even being able to honestly say why. Who would ever want that?
And that's just the everyday part of it. There are the less... pleasant things one has to do -- what person would want to be with someone who could do those things?
At one point, before I took that next step over the line, I really did want to marry someone. I loved her enough to put in my resignation from the military to be with her.
And then the Towers came down.
I cancelled my terminal leave and went back, and after that I fell down the rabbit hole. I... let her go so she could find someone better -- someone good. I had no way of knowing she'd end up with someone just as bad -- with someone who would hurt her and eventually kill her...
Just more paving on my road to Hell.
Now -- well, it's different. I do have someone who knows all my dark secrets, and though I'm sure he doesn't really understand how I could do those things, he knows there were reasons. A number of them turned out to be lies, but I didn't know that at the time.
He also knows the job -- I don't have to feel guilty about missing something and being unable to explain why. And unlike the last person I was close to, who I now know was lying through his teeth to me, I know his motives are good and honest.
I know how I feel -- and it kind of scares me to think about it...
I just wish I knew how he feels...
---------------
Muse: John Reese
Fandom: Person of Interest
Word count: 313 per WordPerfect
Crossposted to LJ at "theatrical_muse"
